


Day 2 - Useful

by ReaderRose



Series: 30 Days of Do-Over [2]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: 30 Days of Writing, Alternate Universe - Evil, Anger, Capslock, Experimental Style, Gen, Heroes to Villains, Letters, Newspapers, POV First Person, Papyrus (Undertale) Has Issues, Papyrus (Undertale)-centric, Riddles, letter to the edittor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 09:03:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15882888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReaderRose/pseuds/ReaderRose
Summary: (Based on @villainpapyrus askblog on Tumblr)(Also based on an article about millenials killing mayonnaise)TO THE EDITOR: RIDDLES ARE GOOD, ACTUALLY:THE MURDER OF MONSTER IDENTITY BY THE SHORT SIGHTED COMMANDER OF THE ROYAL GUARDBY: A VERY ANONYMOUS CITIZEN





	1. CAPSLOCK

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn’t decide between doing a piece inspired by that Millennials Killing Mayonnaise article, or something inspired by @villainpapyrus‘s tragic backstory, so I thought, hey! Why not both!?
> 
> Words ~555
> 
> AU: Villain Papyrus, Papyrus
> 
> Warnings: CAPSLOCK EYEBLEED
> 
> (non-caps version in chapter 2)

* * *

 

 

_(This letter to the editor first appeared in the Underground's official newspaper, Newspaper, between “Crosswords Galore” and the daily Junior Jumble)_

   

* * *

 

 

##  **TO THE EDITOR: RIDDLES ARE GOOD, ACTUALLY:  
** THE MURDER OF MONSTER IDENTITY BY THE SHORT SIGHTED ROYAL GUARD

**BY: A VERY ANONYMOUS CITIZEN**

 

* * *

 

NOT LONG AGO, I WAS JUST A YOUNG, VERY NONDESCRIPT TYPE OF MONSTER WITH A DREAM: A DREAM OF JOINING THE ROYAL GUARD. AS SUCH, I DEDICATED MYSELF TO THE IMPORTANT DETAILS OF THE JOB, SUCH AS HONING MY MAGIC AND CONTROL, OR LEARNING TO BUILD THE MOST COMPLEXINGLY COMPLICATED PUZZLES!!! BUT ONE OTHER ART I SOUGHT TO MASTER HAS RECENTLY BEEN RETIRED FROM COMMISSION: THE ART OF RIDDLING.

RIDDLES, AS WE ALL KNOW, HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A PART OF MONSTER IDENTITY. MONSTERS ARE RIDDLES! RIDDLES ARE ONE OF THE KEY FOUNDATIONS UPON WHICH THIS KINGDOM WAS BUILT!

BUT MONSTERKIND, MORE SPECIFICALLY THE NEWEST COMMANDER OF THE GUARD, UNDYNE, HAS LOST SIGHT OF THE GREATNESS OF RIDDLES.

A RECENT DECISION WAS PUT INTO PLACE TO REMOVE RIDDLING CHECKPOINTS FROM THE UNDERGROUND, AND THIS MEASURE WAS PASSED BY THE KING HIMSELF! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!? EVEN HE FAILS TO SEE THE IMPORTANCE OF RIDDLES TO MONSTER TRADITIONS.

NOW, SOME WELL MEANING BROTHERS FULL OF PLATITUDES AND FAILED ATTEMPTS AT DIFFUSING WHAT IS DEFINITELY-NOT-MISPLACED ANGER MIGHT ARGUE THAT THE DECISION TO REMOVE RIDDLE PROTOCOLS FROM THE GUARD’S RETINUE DOES NOT MEAN THEY AREN’T STILL A VALUED PART OF MONSTER CULTURE.

BUT HE’S WRONG!!! BECAUSE RIDDLES BELONGED IN THE GUARD!

NOW, MY BROTHER, WHO IS DEFINITELY HYPOTHETICAL AND NOT A CLUE AS TO MY ACTUAL IDENTITY, MIGHT ALSO POINT OUT THAT I NEVER REALLY SEEMED TO CARE ABOUT RIDDLES BEFORE, AND NEITHER DID ANYONE ELSE, AND THAT THEIR ROLE WAS ENTIRELY CEREMONIAL, AND WHAT IS THE POINT? ALSO MAYBE MY BROTHER DIDN’T SAY THAT. MAYBE I SAID THAT, TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY I AM SO UPSET ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IT NEVER MATTERED TO ME BEFORE BUT ALSO I AM DEFINITELY NOT PROJECTING.

WHEN ASKED BY A VERY CONCERNED AND JUSTIFIABLY ANGRY CITIZEN, WHO WILL NOT BE NAMED BUT DEFINITELY TOTALLY WAS NOT ME, WHY SHE HAD CHOSEN TO BETRAY AND CRUSH THE HOPES AND DREAMS OF… UM… RIDDLES, UNDYNE SAID THAT RIDDLES ARE NOT… USEFUL.

NOT USEFUL! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!?

JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT, SUDDENLY IT ISN’T USEFUL? JUST BECAUSE IT WON’T MURDER A HUMAN ON SIGHT? RIDDLES ARE FUN! RIDDLES ARE COMPLEX AND HARDWORKING AND RIDDLES TRY! WHY CAN’T THEY BE USEFUL, WHEN ALL THEY REALLY WANT IS TO BE JUST THAT?

RIDDLES DESERVE TO BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT OF MONSTER SOCIETY, NOT CAST OUT AND ASIDE BECAUSE THEY AREN’T COOL ENOUGH OR MURDERY ENOUGH! THEY ARE COOL! AND… AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW EXACTLY HOW COOL RIDDLES ARE! ONE DAY, THEY’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE! AND WE’LL SEE HOW “USEFUL” THE OTHER PARTS OF THE TRADITION ARE, WITHOUT RIDDLES THERE TO SUBVERT EXPECTATIONS.

...IN FACT, HERE IS A RIDDLE!

**WHAT HAS 206 BONES AND A PLAN FOR REVENGE THAT WILL BRING THE ROYAL GUARD TO ITS KNEES?**

AND THE ANSWER IS… YOU WON’T KNOW UNTIL IT HAPPENS, BECAUSE NO ONE LEFT IN THE GUARD KNOWS HOW TO DO A RIDDLE.

SO YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE! BELIEVE ME, YOU WON’T BE WAITING FOR VERY LONG!!!

 

 


	2. Sentence Case

_(This letter to the editor first appeared in the Underground’s official newspaper, Newspaper, between “Crosswords Galore” and the daily Junior Jumble)_

* * *

 

##  **To The Editor: Riddles Are Good, Actually:  
** The Murder Of Monster Identity By The Short Sighted Royal Guard

**By: A Very Anonymous Citizen**

 

* * *

 

 

Not long ago, I was just a young, very nondescript type of monster with a dream: a dream of joining the royal guard. As such, I dedicated myself to the important details of the job, such as honing my magic and control, or learning to build the most complexingly complicated puzzles!!! But one other art I sought to master has recently been retired from commission: the art of riddling.

Riddles, as we all know, have always been a part of monster identity. Monsters are riddles! Riddles are one of the key foundations upon which this kingdom was built!

But monsterkind, more specifically the newest commander of the guard, undyne, has lost sight of the greatness of riddles.

A recent decision was put into place to remove riddling checkpoints from the underground, and this measure was passed by the king himself! Can you believe that!? Even he fails to see the importance of riddles to monster traditions.

Now, some well meaning brothers full of platitudes and failed attempts at diffusing what is definitely-not-misplaced anger might argue that the decision to remove riddle protocols from the guard’s retinue does not mean they aren’t still a valued part of monster culture.

But he’s wrong!!! Because riddles belonged in the guard!

Now, my brother, who is definitely hypothetical and not a clue as to my actual identity, might also point out that I never really seemed to care about riddles before, and neither did anyone else, and that their role was entirely ceremonial, and what is the point? Also maybe my brother didn’t say that. Maybe I said that, trying to understand why I am so upset about this because it never mattered to me before but also I am definitely not projecting.

When asked by a very concerned and justifiably angry citizen, who will not be named but definitely totally was not me, why she had chosen to betray and crush the hopes and dreams of… um… riddles, undyne said that riddles are not… useful.

Not useful! Can you believe that!?

Just because something is a little different, suddenly it isn’t useful? Just because it won’t murder a human on sight? Riddles are fun! Riddles are complex and hardworking and riddles try! Why can’t they be useful, when all they really want is to be just that?

Riddles deserve to be in the spotlight of monster society, not cast out and aside because they aren’t cool enough or murdery enough! They are cool! And… and everyone will know exactly how cool riddles are! One day, they’ll see! They’ll all see! And we’ll see how “useful” the other parts of the tradition are, without riddles there to subvert expectations.

…In fact, here is a riddle!

**What has 206 bones and a plan for revenge that will bring the Royal Guard to its knees?**

And the answer is… you won’t know until it happens, because no one left in the guard knows how to do a riddle.

So you’ll just have to wait and see! 

Believe me, you won’t be waiting for very long!!!

**Author's Note:**

> (non-caps version in chapter 2)


End file.
